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The Inevitable, Often Undignified Transformation of Parenthood

The Inevitable, Often Undignified Transformation of Parenthood

Becoming a parent is such a drastic transformation. It begins the moment you see the positive results of your EPT. Ready or not, here new life comes. Suddenly, life has a whole new direction. The calendar no longer represents months, only trimesters. Then the studying begins. You read everything on the internet about what is happening to your body and what the heck you do with a newborn. It’s like you are studying for the hardest, most important test of your life. Suddenly, you find yourself googling things like “how to get rid of stretch marks” and “will my vagina ever be the same again?” The bigger you get, the more questions you have and the more unsolicited advice comes your way.

People who have never been superstitious about anything in their life start to believe that their heartburn means their child will be hairy or that they shouldn’t take a bath because it’s bad for the baby. Money becomes a concern in regards to the future but is no object when it comes to the new life on the way. No matter how much we think we know about raising a tiny human, shit is about to get weird, literally and figuratively. No matter who you are or how many kids you have, you are about to experience complications, and it will probably be hilarious to others.

The best way get through the indignities headed your way is to be able to laugh at the inevitable. You are about to stink in new ways. Diapers explode for no reason. If you forget the supplies and try to accomplish an errand without them, you will most likely find yourself covered in crap by the time you get home. It’s like your baby is actually a little bomb full of poop that can detonate at any moment. Consider it war paint and do your best to keep some wipes on hand. 

Sleep is no longer a thing. You and your partner become functionally delusional. If you wear two different shoes all day long and don’t notice until you get home, call yourself a trendsetter and post a pic to your wall! Embrace the embarrassment! If your breast starts leaking as you check out of the grocery store, offer the cashier some milk! Laughter is the best medicine for the headaches of parenthood. You are going to get messy and you are going to suffer indignities. In the end, though, every second will have been worth it.

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